So the rollercoaster keeps on…rolling, I guess. I arrived in NY on Wednesday, and I really miss my husband and our cat 😦 I’ve read that newlyweds often find that they “need their space” and that it can be a hard transition when starting to live with someone every single day. Screw that. I don’t like being away from him. That being said, I’m so happy to be back up North. Sure it’s plenty humid up here, but it’s not 96°! It’s nice to be back in my old neighborhood again, doing the same old same old I did in high school. My parents’ dog even found one of my old beanie babies today and completely eviscerated it. It was awesome.
Not so awesome was the dip the rollercoaster took today when I saw my endocrinologist. Unlike my Florida endocrinologist, my New York endocrinologist explained to me that there’s still a small chance that I might not actually have cancer…yet. You see, they won’t know for sure, until they’ve removed my thyroid and dissected it.
“Good news, everyone! I only might have cancer!”
So this is definitely…news. It doesn’t change the fact that I need to have my thyroid removed so honestly, it’s not that comforting. I’ve never been a fan of highly invasive surgeries that leave me with a drainage tube of any kind.
But on a good note, I went to a candlelight yoga and meditation class this evening. It was, as one would imagine, quite meditative. And I went to the dog park with one of my best friends. So all in all, it was a good day.
So I had an appointment with a breast specialist today, since I didn’t have enough stuff going on, and I need to have a breast lump added into the mix. This is not a new discovery, it’s actually been lurking there since 2009, but two mammograms and several ultrasounds have yielded benign results.
But today, my new (soon to be old since we’re moving to NY) doctor recommended a needle biopsy, breast MRI and mammogram, and that we follow “those guys” closely. Apparently, the cysts in my breasts are male. So that’s fun.
She also recommended I get a PET scan, because I have what appear to be swollen lymph nodes on the back of my neck, on the same side as my cancer friend. And if there is something amiss in my breast, it will probably show up on the PET scan as well. Goody! Two-for-one special! Oy vey…
Yesterday, when speaking to a friend, I referred to my cancer as “a bummer.”
She said that I must have a good attitude if cancer is a “bummer.” Which I suppose is true. But I have had a moment each day for the past two weeks where I stop and it’s like “shit…I have cancer. Caaaaaaaaaanceeerrrrrrr. The C-Word. The Big C,” and whatever other euphemisms they’ve come up with for it. I usually don’t think about it because, quite frankly, I have a ton of other ducks to get in a row.
But when it gets quiet, and you’re alone, with no distractions (ok, ok, it’s usually when I’m in the bathroom) that little thought creeps in…that I’m actually sick. For real this time. I don’t feel sick. But I am. It’s going to take some getting used to.
Let’s get one thing out of the way. Yes, I am Jewish (well, at least I was raised Jewish). And on top of that, my mom is a shrink. So with that combo, I’ve developed a set of neuroses of Woody Allen proportions. I don’t know how much you know about upper-middle class Jews, but we like to go to the doctor. A lot. Often times for no reason other than to just go; often times for imaginary ailments that WebMD insists are cancer. Well, the funny thing is…this time it was. Cancer, I mean. But I’ll get back to that.
2013 has been a veritable parade of bogusness for me. So allow me to indulge myself, and take you on a journey. I had been pretty miserable for about a year, as it was, working a job I unfortunately no longer loved, living in a place that both my husband and I had “gotten over.” We celebrated our 1 year anniversary in January. Eating the top tier of our wedding cake was the most exciting thing that had happened in like, well…since our wedding! We were really happy together, but, unfortunately, we don’t live in a vacuum, and life was just kind of bleh around us and our adorable cat.